I Am Not Human

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This is something I have been meaning to write for a good long time, but have struggled to find motivation and clarity to write it before now.

 
I am not human.

And I don’t mean this just in the sense of my spirit is not human, or my mind works in ways that feel inhuman, I mean that I am nonhuman in my whole being. Unapologetically.

In almost every refutation of misinformation from anti-kin, one will find “we all know we’re human!” in infinite variation. Even to the degree of “those who physically identify as nonhuman are not otherkin.” I understand where the sentiment comes from, considering we constantly struggle to keep p-shifters out and refute ideas that clinical lycanthropy is the same as what we experience. But there comes a point where I have to wonder if we've internalized this in a way that means we don’t take being nonhuman seriously. And I propose that perhaps viewing yourself as "physically nonhuman" doesn't mean the same thing as "I am not Homo sapiens."

I see it a lot in the idea that ‘species dysphoria’ is a transphobic way to describe the discomfort and distress of your body not matching your perceived species and body map, and in refutations that it exists at all. I see it in every “all otherkin know they’re really human” and especially in “being human is part of being otherkin.” I see it in forced human positivity posts, urging people to “accept that you’re human now and learn to love what your human body can do!” and in “Whatever you once were, you’re a human now, and you can’t let being kin become your life.”

And don’t get me wrong. I understand where all of these things come from. I understand that there’s variety of experience. But I also see this being pushed on others as the respectable way to be otherkin. The way where it isn't a huge part of your life, doesn't overlap with gender or orientation or any other part of your identity, doesn't cause you distress when called human, doesn't lead you to present in a genuinely nonhuman way, and especially doesn't lead you to call your body not human.

But here I am. I've been almost a decade in this community. I've held the perspectives in the past that have come to leave me out and make me consider how people really view our experiences. And they've changed. I’m not a ‘respectable’ nonhuman. I call my body nonhuman because my experience of self and world is nonhuman. Because I am not human, and this being my body, neither is it. I compare it to my trans experience in that way--the linguistic dysphoria is the same. I know what my body looks like, but what I call it is going to reflect how I view and experience it, not how you or anyone else does. And that deserves to be respected as much as anything else.

In fact, my nonhumanity is part of my transness, and the dysphoria I experience from both things can and has been linked. How does a thing that is not human experience and relate to a uniquely human idea of gender? Awkwardly. Or not at all. Or it refuses. I use “it” pronouns for about the same reason, and as part of combating that linguistic dysphoria. (But remember, no otherkin uses pronouns based on their kintype, right?)

Perhaps more drastically, in my case, is the desire for species modification. I have begun to and will continue to take steps to present myself as more physically nonhuman-looking. I plan very seriously on having my ears pointed. I will build digitigrade stilts to make up for the lack of paw-feet that I feel need to be there more than anything else. I may yet have dental work done. And above all, I continue to look for more ways to become comfortably less-human as part of my androgyny--to make people ask “what the hell is it?” on more than one level.

Im not human because “human” means so much more than just being a member of the species Homo sapiens sapiens. How can something be “subhuman” or “more than human” if that’s the case? How can we “dehumanize” someone, and what does that mean? Why does being “human” equal being compassionate, kind, relatable, and “inhuman” equal monstrous, evil, sadistic. If we spend so much time wondering “what does it mean to be human,” why can I not spend just as much time wondering what it means not to be? When I feel entirely alienated from the cultures, histories, values, experiences, or ideas of humans--even of groups of humans I should technically belong to--why should I be forced to call myself one of them and return to feeling alone and entirely unwelcome?

I may be Homo sapiens, but I will never be human.

The Kids Are Alright: Solving The Terminology Problem With Responsible Communication

The neo generation of otherkin-identifying people - the so called "tumblrkin" - often call out the older folks for gatekeeping. 

They feel like older 'kin are imposing arbitrary standards on who gets to call themselves otherkin based on who appears respectable - elitism, essentially. Are they right to say that? Probably not, but honestly? I can see where they get the idea from.

It's the language, mostly. "You're not" is worse than "you are". "You are" is worse than "are you?". And which phrasing do you use? If it's one of the first two, then I'd suggest you might want to work on your communication skills. Hear me out.

How I learned to stop worrying and love ontological ambiguity

I didn’t create the word alterhuman.

I won’t be so vain as to say I perfected it either, even though I really really want to. But like any diehard fan of anything, I saw that this thing I loved had flaws and I sought to rectify them. To honor the anniversary of the word’s coining, I’ve done the semantic equivalent of writing fanfic about it. This is what alterhumanity means to me.

It means a conscious rejection of definitions. Let’s face it: a lot of identity-based communities get so caught up in the precise labelling of their experiences that the experiences themselves become secondary. This is a big problem in any context but I think it’s an even bigger one in ours. Most identities, most people, even, exhibit some degree of fluidity, or vacillation, or growth. But it’s in the very nature of the monstrous, the alien, the inhuman, to defy categorization.

The original post defining alterhumanity certainly did an admirable job! It detailed exactly what it meant by the ‘typical human experience’. It laid the groundwork for a logic statement which sussed out which groups were and were not alterhuman. But me, I’m alterhuman when no human mouth or mind could ever produce the right words or concepts to pin me down. Think of what might happen as the community grows, flips and flows into new ideas about alterhumanity. We could tack on another hundred exceptions with every new experience... But maybe what we need is a definition as ambiguous as the thing it defines.

Therefore, alterhumanity means embracing the unknown. We believe ourselves to be other than, or alternately human. That’s pretty weird! And I think accepting the absurdity of it is pretty integral to building an identity off of it. I think accepting that we don’t objectively know how or why we’re like this is key too. See, I’m using ‘absurd’ in the philosophical sense. Absurdism says nothing has inherent meaning, but we should do our darndest to explore and search for it anyway. Really, I’m just a person with an obscure identity, but I’m alterhuman when I’m trying to make something of it.

There’s another kind of unknown I’d like us to embrace. It’s other people. More specifically, it’s the fact that we don’t know what’s going on with other people. I want to cultivate a sense of trust. Trust that they’re experiencing what they say they are. Trust that the decision to label themselves as alterhuman is a good one. Yeah, ‘good’ is ambiguous. But I refrain from saying ‘accurate’ or ‘well informed’ because I don’t think that alterhumanity must be either of those things.

To that end I’d really like for the definition of alterhuman to be as open-ended and simplistic as possible. Just enough to define a group of relevant people and things, and no more. I have a suggestion, actually, very contrastive to the 600+ word might of the original definition. Here it is:

You are alterhuman if you decide to call yourself alterhuman.

You may decide to call yourself alterhuman if you experience an internal identity that is beyond the scope of what is traditionally considered ‘being human’.

That’s may in the sense of ‘might’, not ‘are permitted to’! Asides from that, everything else is up for interpretation. Yes, that means we’re casting a very wide net - that’s kinda the point! There are so many ways to be alterhuman, so many experiences that aren't a typical human experience. No amount of writing could ever fully capture the whole concept. That's why this definition isn't so ambitious. It allows the individual to find their concept of alterhumanity, and decide for themselves whether it fits.

Because while the role of choice in identity is ambiguous, our choice in the words we use to describe ourselves is a bit more clear-cut. A person choosing to put themselves under a specific label is doing so because they feel they have something to gain from it. Maybe that something is purely superficial, or shallow, or something they'll grow out of. Who cares? Is that somehow a problem? Even if it was, I'd find it a small price to pay for a community whose interest and passion is what we have in common, rather than a reductive and involuntary classification.

So alterhumanity means choice, most of all. There’s the principal choice of do I find it beneficial to identify as alterhuman? But there are others too, and they bear thinking about. Do I reject absolute definition? Do I embrace my lack of certainty? Do I seek out meaning in spite of this? Do I respect others who are doing the same? I'm just a person who doesn't identify as human, but I'm alterhuman when I am all of these. That’s what it means to me.